And, if at any time I'd start to drift off, I'd be jolted straight up in bed by terrifying visions and horrific nightmares.
Quite simply, the devil had jumped my back and he wasn't letting go!
My thoughts were spinning, I couldn't eat and I felt like I was literally fighting for my life. I was exhausted.
And Medication? It wasn't an option. I begged for it, but was firmly refused... at first. Then, when finally given, it did absolutely nothing.
So, with my Bible clutched as tightly to my chest as I could, I'd walk. And walk, and walk, and walk. Hoping just to wear my body down to simply "fall out" into sleep. The hall was my daily path, with others joining now and then, but typically... they didn't stay long.
The hallway was nothing in comparison to the nights. They seemed to never end. I'd read, I'd pray, and sometimes, just sit and stare.
At some point during the 4th Watch hours of the night, I discovered that with the door precisely ajar, that the bathroom light was sufficiently enough to write in. So, with only a couple of stray Crayola markers that I found in an old deserted puzzle box under the Community t.v... and a piece of scrap paper from the Nurse's Station... I'd make bookmarks.
Days were passing by, faces became familiar and, with Disorders and Diagnosis quickly discerned in others, I safely stayed to myself. Meals were absolutely the only highlight of the day. Oh, but did I mention the fact that I was securely away from my abusive spouse? A definite highlight.
One day, while another Patient and I were walking, I noticed a "stranger" sitting on a bench against the hallway wall. He was casually dressed, in jeans I think, and his long-ish hair was dark and kinda bushy as was his mustache and beard. He sat alone, as if waiting for someone, with his head hung low and his hands folded in his lap. It appeared like something was heavy on his mind.
Getting closer I sensed something "peculiar" but simply assumed he was a New Admit or maybe just a Visitor for one of the other Patients.
As we continued to walk on by, he lifted up his head, looked directly at me and asked, "Do you know the Holy Ghost?" In a surprise and excitement, I beamed, "Oh, yes!" while smiling from ear to ear. He nodded and, while demonstrating with his hands, he said "... breathe Him in and feel His presence. He's your strength; your comfort ..."
Still walking on, and completely stunned, I felt ecstatic! I felt as though I was actually floating. And as we came to the end of the hall to turn and head back to the other end (and I definitely planned to stop and speak with the man some more!)... the bench was now... e-m-p-t-y.
"Probably gone to Intake, visiting with Family or seeing the Doctor" I thought.
The day wore on, as did all the others, and still no sleep. It was okay, though, for my encouragement had arrived! No Medication in the world could have compared to that 10 second conversation.
You see, my unsaved spouse "committed" me. And yes, as... in... "institutionalized". Why? Because I committed myself to Jesus Christ.
Tongues had surfaced and Joy was definitely unspeakable and full of glory!
He was rapidly losing control and therefore, now desperate. His last ditch demand to me was "I'M 1st! and GOD IS 2nd!" as he pounded his fists on the dashboard as I drove.
Well, a day or two passed and still no sign of the man. I searched and inquired but... nothing.
"There's no way I would have missed him. I'm up 24/7, it's a Locked Facility and there's only one way in and one way out. Surely he'd been noticed or at least known of."
No one had seen or heard of any such man. Not the Staff or the Patients or the Visitors.
9 years later I still haven't forgotten the mysterious man in the mental ward that I know was sent by God.
The war was definitely waging but God clearly had a Soldier in every corner that was looking out for me.
And He has all along.
Even when I was in the world... that is... not yet come to the knowledge of the Truth... God kept me.
Even when "the enemy" was me.
I've been bought with a price and my life is not my own. Never was and, Glory to God, never will be.
Watch for future testimonies for there's so much more to share, I promise!
Have a blessed day!
testimony by: Hallie Agar