It is hard. But ...
I have peace in knowing it's well with her soul and God was good as always. He allowed me to be witness of His glorious grace in most personal way... and proved just how omnipresent He is!
See, upon awakening after the aborted surgery Mom weakly whispered that "she dreamt she went to Hell and it was awful."
God then proceeded to use my brother, who Mom looked up to, as His ministering mouthpiece and directly addressed a specific, yet simple, lack of understanding she evidently had.
Mom's reply was "I've never really understood what the word 'grace' meant."
Well! How could that be? She is the que-e-en of "Scrabble"!
This was completely unknown to my brother and I and very possibly to unknown to Mom- until that perfectly and divinely timed moment.
I tell you... ICU was literally aglow.
After a brief moment of quiet thought she closed her eyes and softly asked Jesus to forgive her of her sins and to please come into her heart to be her personal Lord and Savior.
An absolute Peace swaddled the three of us and put a perfect order over an entirely confused and chaotic situation.
Once again, God proved just how undescribable His love for us is and to what lengths He will go to prepare and make us ready to enter in to His joy. (hang onto that thought)
1 Corinthians 1:27 comes to mind...
Mom was very educated. Loved books, painting and traveled the world. At one time played classical piano competitively, was a model, owned an art gallery and was in high-dollar Real Estate most of her career.
She had a hard time or two (EG: a childhood trauma, my abusive stepdad, etc.) but never really spoke of it. She was an Artist and a Christian. Gave in ways she understood.
By all appearances Mom didn't live a Holy life or "dedicated" life. It was even said "she lived like a rock star."
Her Christian walk was less than perfect but she lived the best she knew, maybe... or maybe not. She led at least one to the Lord and others have since told of how she was instrumental in their return to church, reading, etc..
I've witnessed first-hand God's miracles in her life including instant healing, deliverance and supernatural provision. Quite frankly, I can't wait to tell every bit.
Signs and wonders, truly. In this single page of the testimony I feel the fire of God dancing in my soul!
And Friend. There's so much more.
I said all that to say this... God will use whomever, whatever and whenever He wills and it has absolutely nothing to do with us.
For many are called, but few are chosen... Not of works lest any man should boast... but he that endureth to the end shall be saved.
We need to just remember that no matter how it appears to the natural eye we need to seek the Truth with our spiritual and hold fast to the promises of God. His Holy Word.
Our confidence has to be in Him. None of us were, are, or will be what we should be or even hope for. We can't.
So, my Friend, I will close for now with this:
Thanks for listening.
You are a blessing to me. Always have been.
testimony by: Hallie Agar