Sunday, December 13, 2015

COME, SEE A MAN !... "Maid, Arise"

Winter 2004 was cold and the days couldn't get any darker... so I thought.

The electric was off, the apartment was in shambles, the fever was raging, my liver was failing and weak as a kitten all I lived for was another fix.

Cocaine was the choice, but anything would work. If it drew up, good enough. And if my fever got too high, a splash water would do.

The supply of Lortab, Methadone and Fentanyl patches (which I cut open and ate) was gone. The pain clinic I was sent to, "due to the rods and screws in my back", was hip to my addiction and demanded a drug test before refilling my next round. Knowing I would fail and desperate, I took it anyway.

"Your drug seeking days are over!" the doctor beamed as he rushed smugly into the room. Needless to say, there was nothing left to take, trade or sell. Absolutely nothing to ease the symptoms of withdrawal. 

My body was toxic, my mind was numb and suicide wasn't even a thought anymore. There's no telling how many times I had attempted it over the years and, in my mind, I was a failure at that too. 

My boyfriend had the same monstrous addiction and somehow kept the flow going. And even though I could barely lift my head off the pillow and my veins were collapsing, my arm (or foot) was steadily extended for the next injection.

Hard to believe I was in this state. The first and only other time I used a needle I was 13 years old when living on the street. And here I was again... 25 years later, using a needle and at a bottom I never knew existed, and oddly enough, never saw coming.

THIS was not my childhood dream (not that I ever had one). THIS was NEVER my intention (not that I ever had a goal). My only hope was "to be happy" and to "help one person". That's all.

And I tried so hard! I gave so much! I endured until I could not endure anymore! And now, I was truly broken with not even a tear left to cry.

Why were people so mean? Why were men constantly trying to destroy me? Why could I never find the happiness I longed for? Why? And why couldn't I "just be with God"??? 

I hated this world and I hated this life. It was nothing but a never ending cycle of frying pans to fires and pillars to posts. What was the point???

The needle was withdrawn, the Cocaine began to hit and that familiar feeling began to... ... ... ...

Sitting on the floor cross-legged I was motionless. All I could do was stare. The boyfriend was frantically pacing the room, out of breath and clearly in distress.

"Do you know what just happened?!" he pleaded. I knew my clothes were wet and the sides of my face felt really hot, but that was it. And all I could do to answer to his question was say "Wow" and shake my head...

"The minute it hit... you sat straight up, stiff as a board, seized and black stuff started coming out your nose and mouth! Then you fell over dead!!

With tears in his eyes, voice crackling and still pacing the floor he nervously continued "I shook you, poured ice water in your clothes, breathed in your mouth and slapped your face hard!... yelling "No! Help me! Oh, God, help me!! Hallie! Hallie!! God, don't let her die!!! No! Oh, God!... I know the neighbors heard it all..." he said.

Feeling strange and in some way very different, I remained pretty much speechless.

And little did he know where I'd been...

THERE... where I went...was no sound, no sight, no smell, no taste, no touch, no talk, no rest... and no solid ground to put my feet.

In total blackness, total silence, I was no-where and there was no-thing and there was no-one. It was a total place of "nothing-ness", yet, I was aware of every bit of it.

THIS... was death...and total separation from God.

The Holy Bible says:

But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 

And I was there.

My physical body literally died... but my spirit did not... and continued on to a place I never want to go to again... and never want to forget...


The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined. 

And when I passed by thee, and saw thee polluted in thine own blood, I said unto thee when thou wast in thy blood, Live; yea, I said unto thee when thou wast in thy blood, Live. 

Now when I passed by thee, and looked upon thee, behold, thy time was the time of love; and I spread my skirt over thee, and covered thy nakedness: yea, I sware unto thee, an entered into a covenant with thee, saith the Lord GOD, and thou becamest mine. 

Thus saith the Lord GOD unto these bones; Behold, I will cause breath to enter into you, and ye shall live: 

And he put them all out, and took her by the hand, and called, saying, Maid, arise. 
LUKE 8:54

I wanted to die... but... wouldn't.
I tried to die... but... couldn't.
I should have died... but... didn't.

And then... it happened.

I didn't plan to die... but... I did. 


Sent His Son... the King of kings to take my hand... and raise me up... from death to life. From darkness to light. Glory to Almighty God!!!

Heaven and Hell are real, my friends. And, yes! There is such a place as outer darkness.

And from that moment on... I was drastically, and rapidly, changed forever! My life is not my own and I wouldn't have it any other way. Jesus Christ deserves nothing less than everything I have to give. And so...

Thank you Jesus. Thank you Lord.

testimony by: Hallie Agar


  1. Amazing testimony.... Praise God from whom all blessings flow

    1. Yes, Sir. Jesus Christ is definitely King.