Saturday, January 16, 2016

A bit of history : MERELY A SEED

It's amazing to me, this power of God. A mind just can't imagine the glory until one sees it for their selves.

In 1993, at 29 years old, I experienced a taste of  "something better" in my very first Rehab. It was a 21 day program on the top floor of the hospital that my primary doctor rushed me to from his office across the parking lot. 

I was in terrible shape. Withdrawing from years of Opiates... and at 93 lbs... and in unbearable pain I
gladly received the admission. I needed the physical relief. And honestly, the freedom from my life.  

I never heard of "Rehab" before... and never a "12 Step Program"... and the fact that my husband let me go was shocking. After all, he had been the one to keep me controlled with addiction since youth. 

A shot here, a pill there, like a carrot in front of a horse. And truly, a part of me accepted the twisted relief from an abusive marriage and the constant torment of fear.

Strangers saw, family feared and friends were not allowed. And now that we had our own children... well, let's just say the boys made him an awesome tool for leverage, to keep me where he wanted. No one ever stood up. And truly, if they had, out of terror, guilt and a weird kind of bond to this bully I would have defended him anyway. Why? Because I saw no way out, blamed myself, and knew how important it was for children to have their daddy.

After my first dose of  Methadone, I was gently sent to bed for rest. I never heard of this stuff before but was so very thankful for this liquid relief. With an additional diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anorexia/ Bulimia, my body was tired, dying and covered with sores where the poisons tried to drain. And as for my mind... it was exhausted. So to be able to actually lay in bed without being snatched out by the head of my hair... was nothing short of wonderful. The Pneumonia, Bronchitis and Sinus Infection wouldn't be discovered until after discharge and ultimately land me back in the hospital, in ICU, but I knew at THIS moment... I felt safe.

I lay on my back in the clean crisp hospital bed with the covers pulled up my chin. Except for a calming light at the Nurse's Station, it was dark and quiet and I remember thinking "THIS is the peace I've been looking for." I thanked God and fell asleep but didn't understand... 

THIS moment of peace was merely a seed. A step on the stepping stone to that "something more". 

And how do I know?

27 years of Opiates, Sedatives, Psychiatric drugs,  Respiratory Inhalers, Surgeries, Alcohol binges and street drugs do not just go away. And to survive the damage from these "temporary treatments" are rare. The physical, mental and emotional affects...

All the doctors, hospitalizations, rehabs, programs and therapies in the world CANNOT permanently and completely deliver a sinking soul from this destructive sea of desperation... No. Not one. 

And not to mention the Depression, Anxiety, PTSD and Suicide attempts... Yet here I sit today. Clothed in HIS right mind.

Transformations and make-overs are a common occurrence when it comes to the outward appearance. But, a complete changing of the mind, life and soul... now THAT's  nothing less than a miracle. 

Only God can change a situation as bleak as mine and only God can have the heart to do so.... through His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ.


testimony by: Hallie Agar

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